Monster...Out!

Monster in the Closet (1987)
Director- Bob Dahlin
Starring- Donald Grant, Denise DuBarry, Paul Walker

A rash of murders taking place in closets has people terrified to look for their own clothes. An obituary writer who wants to get his big break investigates and discovers that a monster is to blame. I cut this movie slack because it's meant to be funny, and most of the time, it is. The monster is actually kind of cool-looking, and I was surprised to find a pre-megadouchebag Paul Walker (remember Fast and Furious?) playing 12-ish year old, oddly named Professor Bennet (that's right his mom named him Professor), boy genius and contributor to the monster's eventual demise.
The movie hits its apex of absurdity when the monster has Richard, Professor and his mom cornered in their attic. As the monster looms over them, Richard's glasses are knocked off, and his handsomocity, which makes Professor's mom turn into a mesmerized idiot, has a paralyzing effect on the monster. The monster then picks him up and carries him off to a closet, which we have by now found out it uses to rejuvenate itself. Unfortunately, they won't both fit, so the monster carries Richard out into the street, where it dies.
The line is then quoted by one of the crowd, "'twas beauty killed the beast."
Rating: That line alone helps to earn this one 4/5 Bonedaddies.

Frankenstein? Not Quite...

Frankenstein Meets th Space Monster (1965)
Director- Robert Gaffney
Starring- Marilyn Hanold, Robert Reilly, James Karen

Martian Princess Marcuzan needs to repopulate her people after atomic warfare destroys Mars' culture (where were we when this happened?!), so she turns to earth. She apparently didn't count on the U.S.-built cyborg named Frank to intervene, though he normally would be utilized for space exploration.
There is oddly enough no Frankenstein, Frankenstein's monster, or Al Franken in this Puerto Rican sci fi flick. I'm frankensteinly surprised there was a space monster to speak of. It's from Mars, and they can't really control it. It'd be like if Earth had a giant Tyrannosaurus rex to fight for us--it's great to have until it has to go back in its pet carrier.
Okay effort, annoyed at the abrupt Frankending.
Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Not the Better Half

The Dark Half (1993)
Director- George Romero
Starring- Timothy Hutton, Amy Madigan, Michael Rooker

A writer struggling with a fictional alter-ego decides to symbolically kill him off, only to have him come alive and kill people as described in the writer's novels. The alter-ego is a gritty smooth-talking maniac with a pomp hairdo and cowboy boots.
I actually kind of liked the guy--he always knew what to say, and was nonchaant & personable. I wanted to like the movie, since Romero directed, but it's a collaboration with Stephen King writing, and I typically don't get along well with Stephen King movies. The acting is typical of 1990's made-for-tv movies-slight tendencies to overact, some dated styles.
I thought the concept that as one got better, the other got worse was an interesting on, but even that was hard to keep paying attention to.
Rating: 2.5/5 Bonedaddies

Hard To Follow, but Creey Just the Same

Vampyr (1932)

Director- Carl Theodore Dryer

Starring- Julian West, Maurice Schutz, Rena Mandel

A young occult academic happens upon a manor. Attempts to stay the night bring nightmares of spectral occurrences and horrific type goings-on, like shadows that take on a life of their own. He soon finds out a vampire is on the loose and taking victims in the area.

This movie looks like what someone might be dreaming after having watched Dracula or Nosferatu. The plot takes elements from both, but then adds a more ghostly element to it, as well as the feeling of being in a constant dreamlike state of observation.

Though there is sound, subtitles are used here and there to explain things. The acting ain't half bad--more modern-feeling than other movies of its time, for the most part less theatrical.

Some scenes just seem creepy, like a scene in which a vamp victim is sitting up in bed and just staring along the ceiling, slowly gazing around for about 20 seconds.

The only downside is that the plot is often times as cloudy as the atmosphere in the movie.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Karloff & Lugosi in a Non-Monster Movie!

The Body Snatcher (1945)
Director- Robert Wise
Starring- Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Henry Daniell


A med student begrudgingly assists a medical professor acquire bodies from a graverobber for medical study. It's revealed pretty early on that Prof. "Toddy" (Daniell) and graverobber John Gray (Karloff), who drives a buggy during the day, were once colleagues. In fact, Gray admits that it was he who taught Toddy everything he knows, and had what Toddy had before the two were found out Gray took the fall.

Lugosi played the somewhat bit part of Toddy's servant, who finds out what Gray is up to and attempts to extort him. I was surprised to see both Karloff AND Lugosi in a movie together, and there were NO monsters!

There was great acting all around, and I was convinced of the conflicted consciences in many of the characters. I loved the cynicism Karloff brought to his role. His character knew how "evil" his profession was, and accepted it, chastizing Toddy for trying to make himself out to be better that he really was. On the other hand, this was for the purpose of medical progress. DaVinci did it. And it's dead bodies, come on! They don't care. They've shed their fleshly vessels, blah blah blah.

Rating: Another 5/5 Bonedaddies for being AWESOME.

Not My Kind of Vacation Spot

Isle of the Dead (1945)
Director- Mark Robson
Starring- Borlis Karloff, Ellen Drew, Marc Cramer


Balkan War, 1912. General Pherides (Karloff), agrees to show Oliver (Cramer), a colleague, his wife's grave that happens to be located near their current battlefield. Finding the grave disturbed, the general demands to know whow's responsible. He finds out from a local woman that the townspeople did it out of a superstitious fear of vorvolaka (vampire) attacks, a fear spawned by the plague killing off large portions of the island. Initially highly skeptical of the vorvolaka story, the general gets himself sucked into the superstition, and becomes highly suspicious of a caretaker of an older woman. The older woman has a fainting disease which resembles death, accompanied by a then-logical fear of premature burial. She of course tells no one but a french doctor who soon falls victim to the plague.

Predictably the woman faints, everyone thinks she's dead, she wakes up in a coffin, goes nuts and takes a knife to the superstitious women who got Pherides worked, then Pherides himself.

This movie was great on so many levels. I'll try to cover them quickly.
First, Karloff as a hardened general (who sends on of his own friends off to be executed for negligence!), excellent casting there. Second, the whole science v. superstition debate is alive and well in this movie, and in the end, septicemic plague wins the blame. It was a little depressing, however, to see the archaeologist character opting for prayer to Hermes over medical observation to deal with the plague.

Rating: This movie gets a solid 5/5 Bonedaddies for playing out like a horror flick and the monster turning out to be disease and human reactions to it.

Walkin' Hard, or Hardly Walkin'?

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

Director- Jake Kasdan

Starring- John C. Reilly, Tim Meadows, Jenna Fischer

This Biopic spoof takes a look at the life of Dewey Cox (Reilly), a man who lives in the monstrous shadow of his older brother whom he had accidentally killed in boyhood by slicing him in half with a machete. As pennance, Cox realized he must become "double-great" to redeem himself. His father, throughout the movie finds every opportunity to mutter "the wrong son died!" and doesn't forgive him until he accidentally cuts himself in half.

In the meantime, Dewey Cox realizes he has a gift for music that people respond to. Despite his wife's disapproval, he pursues his musical career and becomes one of the biggest, and in some cases most infamous name in music. Along with the fame, however, comes all the weirdness and dark spots: monkey-owning, drug-taking, sex-with-strangers-having, wife-cheating, etc. He also meets the love of his life in Darlene Madison (Fischer), and gets married to her, "forgetting" about his first marriage. After getting hooked on LSD, Cox attempts to write his "opus", and practically invites members of every culture in to help, create a giant saturated mess of a song that no one knows the meaning of. It gets so out of hand, that his own band members--who were not given parts to play in this mega-song, quit the band.

Cox loses the love of his life, quits music, makes peace with his dad, and reconnects with his many sons and daughters. Life becomes peaceful for him, and when Darlene walks back into his life it's almost complete. Soon after, he is beckoned back onto the stage after being gone 25 years by his legions of fans, old and new. He writes one last great song called "Beautiful Ride", an equal to his first great "Walk Hard", and according to a postscript dies three minutes after performing it with his old band on stage.

This movie was funny on a lot of levels, though it tried too hard a couple times. The Cox jokes and the sexually suggestive duet between him and Darlene are juvenile but clever nonetheless, and hey- I still laughed. Every time he comes into contact with a music legend, he makes sure to say their full name, just in case we don't recognize them, I guess. It got old, but how else would we have known Frankie Munez was playing Buddy Holly (I did appreciate the humor in that one, though--especially contrasted with John C. Reilly playing a 14 version of Dewey and looking like a full grown adult) Jack White as Elvis was pretty awesome, too.

The music was well-written, probably with help from SNL cast members, and there was even a touch here and there of sadness. "(Have You Heard the News) Dewey Cox Died" was actually kind of haunting.

Rating: 4/5 Bonedaddies.

The Last Horror Movie (2003)

The Last Horror Movie

Director- Julian Richards

Starring- Kevin Howarth, Mark Stevenson

Warning: Some spoilers.

A serial killer, Max, who works as a wedding videographer by day decides to make a little documentary of his "work". He records it onto a tape from a local video rental and stalks who ever rents it.

The part about the rental is a little bit of a surprise, so I apologize for spilling the beans, but it made sense to add it into the description. Although it's a decent plot device, it feels like it was put in as an afterthought, and to me raises questions of behavioral patterns that would help get the guy caught.

Other than that, the movie was surprisingly excellent. I had my doubts during the intro until I realized it was actually the movie he taped over. Once Max introduces himself, the movie takes a much better road from there. His little soliloquies run on at length and get boring, but it's interesting to see the rising conflict between him the camera man, who seems at first to be a fan but becomes uneasy about killing after having actually seen it.

The disturbing part comes when you see Max disposing of his bodies by cooking them and serving it up to his friends (who obviously have no idea what he does to people). The acting is beyond great, and not because of overemotional interactions or action sequences. The killing scenes become completely human--nothing is overdone, the pain in the victims' faces looks like any documentary or Faces of Death film I've ever seen and at times actually left me speechless due to its realism.

Good concept for a film, maybe not the most original, and even though boring and speechy at times, impresses the feeling of paranoia well and is acted superiorally.

Rating: 4.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Terror Firmer (1999)

Terror Firmer

Director- Lloyd Kaufman

Starring- Will Keenan, Alyce LaTourelle, Lloyd Kaufman

As a female serial killer stalks the city, a notorious low-budget Troma film director tries to shoot a Toxic Avenger sequel with a cast of odd characters. If that's not bad enougn, he's blind as a bat.

I would have a lower opinion of this movie if I had watched it without knowing that it was a Troma film and that it was actually based on a book written in tribute to previous Troma films. That being said, it did rely a little too heavily on trying to shock than on simply being creative with the effects they could create. However, despite the fact that this film was edited digitally, it seemed to use a lot of old-school special effects, which was a smart move. A proper homage to Troma films shouldn't be made with CGI.

The Seinfeldian scene in the cafe in which Casey and Jennifer joke with eachother about pickles is completely unfunny and loses this film an entire Bonedaddy.

All in all, it was an honest effort, not quite as good as it could have been, but giving Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead a cameo and a Public Service Anouncement about hermaphrodite awareness doesn't hurt.

Rating: 2.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Crippled Creek (2005)

Crippled Creek
Director- Hans Hartman
Starring- Ashley Totin, Jennifer Jules Hart, Evy Lutsky

Three best friends take off on a camping trip to a family cabin deep in Connecticut woods. They are warned by a forest ranger of a hermit living in the area, and early on run into to two guys--I'll call them Dumbass 1 and Dumbass 2. The guys act like obnoxious college guys and practically fumble over eachother trying to get the girls. Eventually, they come into brief contact with the hermit, ignore his warning to leave, and two of their group turn up missing. After some searching, some fighting amongst eachother, and more searching, Dumbass 2 reveals himself to be an overbearing jackass in times of stress before getting his lights put out by one of the girls.

They find the missing couple, strung up and dead. Panic ensues, Dumbass 2 screams to the woods for a confrontation. His request is granted, and when the hermit is done with him, he proceeds to take out another of the girls. As he finds the third girl, the hermit is confronted by the forest ranger and challenged for possession of her. The girl gets the upper-hand, and the movie ends on a pretty supernatural note.

I could forgive the shitty music being played throughout. I could forgive the interactions between the girls and guys resembling porn intros but not following through. I can forgive the supernatural ending despite the fact that this story is supposedly based on a real event. I can even acknowledge the honest effort put into some of the scenes. What I can NOT forgive is that this movie ran for an hour and a half, and other than a quick little kill in the beginning, there is no killing or violence until about 57 minutes in. 57 minutes out of an hour and a half! No killing! Before that, we're treated to inconsequential hermit POV's every now and then and some nudity.

Rating: This crippled effort gets 1/5 Bonedaddies.

Panic in the Year Zero! (1962)

Panic in the Year Zero!
Director- Ray Milland
Starring- Ray Milland, Jean Hagen, Frankie Avalon


A family leaving for a vacation is just outside of town when they noticed an odd mushroom cloud in Los Angeles. Stopping at a payphone, they realize they can't get a hold of anyone in town, and soon discover it had been hit by a hydrogen bomb. Survival instincts fight with the need to stay civilized as the extraordinarily level-headed father, Harry, navigates his family through a changed landscape, one in which simple teen punks become highway robbers, townsfolk bar outsides just to maintain a little safety, and a national park becomes a temporary safe haven until the military can get the fighting under control.

I think this movie is fairly accurate in its portrayal of human nature. In times of panic and emergency, many are looking out for themselves or their own loved ones--not really a bad thing, mind you--but while fleeing become reckless and cause danger to others. On the other hand, the mother, Ann, seems too over-sentimental in her need to maintain civilization that it almost costs them Harry's life when they are confronted by the teen highway punks.

Other characteristics of times of panic include price-gouging and xenophobia--anyone can be an enemy, and even those considered not a threat should still be charged $90 for 30 gallons of gas (think 1962 prices).

It's a good foreshadow when the punks are let go, as they pop up again later on and wreak a little havoc of a more personal nature. Toward the end, Harry is really feeling the weight of responsibility for having put his family into this situation. He's seen people reacting selfishly, violating the rights of others, even outright killing (somewhat grisly scenes for 1962 movies).

After Harry's son (Frankie Avalon in a surprisingly good role) is wounded by one of the teen punks, Harry realizes he must get his family out of the park and into a town over 100 miles away that set up an emergency post for displaced people to come to. Along the way, they find a doctor who is able to stablize the son temporarily until they can get him to the town. Before leaving, Harry informs the doctor that the "war" is over and we won, to which the doctor gives a sarcastic retort, symbolizing a growing cynical attitude toward nuclear warfare.

I've noticed a lot of horror/sci fi movies made in the 1950-60's are always accompanied by a soundtrack that's something like freeform jazz. It makes me wonder if Les Baxter was to them what Danny Elfman is to Tim Burton films...

I was overall impressed by the writing of this movie and how the plot just moves right along without any boring snags. I also liked that it was willing to go a little farther to show the brutality caused by civilization's fear of becoming uncivilized. Kind of ironic.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 Bonedaddies

Welcome to What Am I Watching? I had previously done movie reviews on one of my other blogs, but have decided continue reviewing movies on this one exclusively. Enjoy! Or don't.