Let's Dance!

Dance of the Dead (Masters of Horror, 2005)
Director- Tobe Hooper
Starring- Jonathan Tucker, Jessica Lowndes, Robert Englund

Peggy (Lowndes) works for her mother in a diner in a post-apocalyptic society. Since her sister died, her mother had become very overprotective and very bitter. A couple young punks show up wanting burgers and coffee, and while her mother practically shoves them out of the door, Peggy feels a strong attraction to one of the punks, named Jak (Tucker).

Later that night, Jak shows up and invites Peggy to a party out of town at the Doom Room. Peggy sneaks out and they go to the Doom Room, where Jak and his buddy sell "The M.C." (Englund) blood, which he injects into corpses and reanimates them to dance for an audience.

While there, Peggy discovers that one of the dancers is noneother than her own sister, who she thought was dead. She grabs her, and she & Jak exit the club quickly. The M.C. catches up with them just as Peggy's mom finds her, and Peggy finds out that her mom sold her sister (before she died, in fact) to The M.C. In a fit of disgusted rage, she gives her mom to The M.C., then gives her sister proper burial.

For a Masters of Horror flick, this isn't half bad. I didn't care for Ryan McDonald's acting, personally, but the plot moved along pretty well. Englund always provides a slightly creepy character, he didn't disappoint. The ending was predictable, but not bad.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

A Silver Age Justice League Movie!

Justice League: The New Frontier (2008)
Director- Dave Bullock
Starring- David Boreanaz, Neil Patrick Harris, Kyle MacLachlan

Set in the 1950's, the Justice League is undergoing a change, what with the Korean War and all. Politics play more of a role here than in other DC cartoons, and some of the characters don't get along quite as well. Superman is something of a government patsy, while Wonderwoman helps out Vietnamese woman who were terrorised by guerilla fighters. Flash quits the biz after being relentlessly pursued by the government, J'onn J'onzz is trying to live a somewhat normal life as a human, and Batman is, as always, the Gotham Knight.

The team is more or less reunited by the surfacing of The Centre, a Lovecraftian being that appears to want to take over the world--standard Justice League material. J'onzz is also haunted by the U.S. government, which is aware of his existence and is planning a mission to Mars piloted by Korean vet Hal Jordan.

J'onzz is captured, Jordan's shuttle (which he discovers is equipped with nuclear weaponry in case of hostilities) malfunctions, and he gets saved by Superman while the shuttle explodes upon entering the atmosphere. He is later taken by a mysterious aircraft to a site where a figure lays dying on the ground. The figure is revealed to be a Green Lantern, who has deemed Jordan worthy of the Green Lantern ring and bestows him with the power of the Corps.

Superman takes on the beastly Centre and gets knocked into the sea, not to be seen again until close to the end of the movie, where he is saved by Aquaman, whose introduction in the movie is embarrassingly brief.

This movie seems to represent a change from the Golden Age to the Silver Age of comics, and of society as well, apparently. It was nice that I didn't recognize the voices of big named celebrities, even though many contributed. I liked that Batman was still a dark figure, but I didn't like the evolution of his look.

I also liked that it more or less remained faithful to the Darwyn Cooke comic it was based on. The political subject matter is toned down just a bit, some characters were still phased out, but all in all it turned out to be a great movie.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

I Wanna Be A Rockabilly Vampire!

Rockabilly Vampire (1996)
Director- Lee Bennett Sobel
Starring- Stephen Blackehart, Paul Stevenson, Margaret Lancaster

Yay, a Troma movie! One doesn't expect Oscar material from a Troma movie, but damned if they're not fun to watch. This particular one is about Iris (Lancaster), a girl in love with 1950's culture and whose obsession with Elvis attracts her to an "Elvis lookalike" vampire named Eddie. His story? Back in the 1950's, Eddie was on his way to an Elvis lookalike contest when his brother, Wrecks, 'put the bite on him' and made him a vampire. Now he's on the run from his brother, whose second bite can put Eddie under his power for eternity.

If that isn't bad enough, Iris gets continually hassled by the landlord's son, who wants either rent money or nookie in order to let her stay in her apartment. Soon Wrecks and his crew find Eddie and Iris and come knocking to claim his second bite.

Though funny at times, the acting is actually pretty bad, and as far as Troma movies go, this one is pretty tame on the blood.

Despite the acting, the concept is fun, the plot runs along fairly smoothly, and the music is just awesome. I could have used more variety, but what I had to listen to I was happy with.

Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Shhhhh...ut the Movie Off

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road (Masters of Horror, 2005)
Director- Don Coscarelli
Starring- Bree Turner, John DiSantis, Ethan Embry

Ellen (Turner) must use every survival tactic she learned from her abusive, crazy exhusband (Embry) to escape the maniacal serial killer she comes to know as 'Moonface' (DiSantis). After inadvertantly running right into his yard populated by crucified victims, all missing eyes, she faints and gets herself caught. She wakes up in time to have an annoying coversation with "Buddy", an old captive who lives inthe basement and is looney as hell, then she must watch as a hapless victim gets her eyes drilled out.

I have very little good to say of this movie. I've actually learned to expect little from the Masters of Horror series, but every time they manage to take me to new levels of disappointment. Where do I start?

First, it's awfully convenient to have had a crazy survivalist husband with conspiracy theories in the same woods as a maniacal freak without even knowing it. It get even more stupid when Ellen wastes all this time making boobytraps when she could have simply run from the guy. Or if she found the nerve to fight, she should have fought him. Either way, she wasted a lot of time trying to be clever.

Buddy's acting was bad. His constant dialogue and switching from one subject to another and singing was annoying and badly delivered. Moonface jumping majestically onto the road made me think a 6th grader originally wrote this script for a comic. The director was more obsessed with making a bunch of noise, apparently to distract the viewer from the fact that this is just a stupid movie. Ethan Embry's acting was good until he suddenly decided to rape his wife (To exploit her weakness? To teach her a lesson? I don't really get why he did it except that the director needed more reason for the viewer to hate him).

The ending could have been cool, except Bree Turner's "trying to sound cool" acting screwed it up. Moonface could easily have been a mountain man, another abusive guy, etc. There was nothing exceptional about his character, and I was initially led to believe there should have been.

Rating: 1/5 Bonedaddies.

A Movie By Many Names...

Tower of Evil (1972)
Director- Jim O'Connolly
Starring- Bryant Haliday, Jill Haworth, Mark Edwards

This movie somehow went through several different names before ending up with Tower of Evil: Tower of the Living Corpses, Beyond the Fog, Horror of Snape Island, Because the Phoenician God Continues to Kill?, who knows what else?

A woman saved from a mysterious tower/lighthouse recovers memories of what happened to her and how her friends got killed. Archaeologists searching for Phoenician treasure venture out to the tower and find ore bodies. I find myself wondering at this point: are they planning on taking the treasure and studying it? Donating it to a museum? I certainly hope their professional ethics were considered.

I was also surprised to realize this plot was slightly similar to a webcomic I had drawn long before I ever set eyes on this movie! My webcomic didn't have all the nudity, though. The nudity and sex scenes were a positive addition. The acting was so-so. There were some creepy moments, though. The corpse in the rocking chair, the being who creeps up behind the young idiot with the crown, the old hermit.

It wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be.

Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Day of the Remade Dead

Day of the Dead (2008)

Director- Steve Miner

Starring- Mina Suvari, Nick Cannon, Ving Rhames

This movie is very loosely remade from George Romero's original Day of the Dead. It keeps the conflict between military and science alive like the original, but in this one the zombification process is quick, and the zombies act like rabid dogs who can jump and climb ceilings. It's up to a couple soldiers and a couple civilians to work their way to the lab where it all began, where they confront the doctor who had initiated the top secret project that led to the zombie outbreak.

The doctor, being one of the first to become a zombie, was apparently smarter than the others, and had the slight upper hand by being able to direct the other zombies. He would succeed, except that one of the zombies, previously one of the ragtag group trying to fight the zombies, remained loyal to his living team.

There were a couple good things about this movie. First, the jerky motion of the camera, while at times nauseating, attempts to pull the viewer into the movie, making him/her one of the group.

Second, I like the thought put into the viral idea. An infected person starts out with flu-like symptoms, then gets terrible nosebleeds. Soon the victim completely siezes up, staring catatonically into space for a few moments before "awakening" and turning completely rabid.

I also have to admit that I like when there isn't a lot of screwing around with back-stories here. Everyone is stuck in the situation, everyone is trying to figure out how to deal with it. It stays in the present and doesn't dwell on origins, like an episode of Lost.

I don't like the overly convenient variation in the time it takes to go from nosebleed to zombie-it seems like the director wasn't really expecting viewers to pay attention to that.

Ving Rhames play somewhat of a bit part, Mina Suvari is okay in her role. Nick Cannon plays up the "oh, it's because I'm a black man" to an annoying degree.

The zombies are oddly combustible. The way they go up like a matchbook makes me wonder how the outbreak got so out of hand in the first place?

Rating: 2/5 Bonedaddies.

RIP Dimebag, 4 Years

Did You Take This Woman?

The Corpse Vanishes (1942)

Director- Wallace Fox

Starring- Bela Lugosi, Luana Walters, Tristram Coffin

This movie illustrates the classic tale of a mad doctor who sends young brides poisonous orchids on their wedding day which kills them, then kidnaps them before they make it to the morgue/funeral home so he can use their bodies to keep his wife alive. And he'd get away with it, too, if it weren't for a meddling female journalist who wants to make her big break.

It reminds me just a bit of the Curious Dr. Humpp. I actually don't mind what appears to cheap lighting & cinematography. It gives it a simple but effective appearance that makes it more fun to watch. The acting is about as cheap, but fun to watch nonetheless. Lugosi delivers okay as a mad scientist, Angelo Rossitto adds a bit of dimension as a creepy assistant, though he isn't treated very well by the doctor.

My favorite part about this movie is finding out that the doctor and his wife sleep in coffins next to each other, almost a grisly parody of mid-century family morality. It almost makes up for the ending: The journalist has a friend pose as a bride, foils the scheme, but then gets kidnapped herself by the doctor and saved in the nick of time by a fellow journalist whom she falls madly in love with. Afer the story is out, she gets married and her boss jokes about how now that she's proven herself a great journalist she's giving up her career to be a homemaker. Seriously? You break a story about a mad doctor, get caught up in all the danger, and in the end you quit so your husband can carry on, even though he hasn't yet reported on a story of that same magnitude? I can be chauvenistic at times, but even I thought this was pure sexist drivel.

Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies for the severely dated ending.

Bored to Death

Scared to Death (1947)
Director- Christy Cabanne
Starring- Bela Lugosi, George Zucco, Molly Lamont

A dead woman in a morgue narrates the tale of how she came to be dead. It starts with her being very unhappily married and paranoid about her husband and father-in-law trying to kill her. Other characters are introduced, like a disgraced cop trying to regain a little glory despite the fact that he's a vapid oaf, and a mysterious doctor who has a strong dislike for the press.

It's an interesting concept for a story, but it unfortunately delivers little. Every character is trying to have a personality all at once, while none actually succeed. Lugosi is surprisingly lame and comes across more like a mysterious drama instructor than a mysterious doctor. I recognized Angelo Rossitto from Freaks, but he did nothing special here, as well.

Overall, there was no creepy aspect in this movie--not even the blue/green mask inthe window. And Bela Lugosi doesn't work well in color. Thank goodness the movie was short.

Rating: 1/5 Bonedaddies.

Sunrise On a Strange Relationship

Sunrise (1927)

Director- F.W. Murnau

Starring- George O'Brien, Janet Gaynor, Margaret Livingston

A farmer's affair with a city girl (Livingston) has strong repercussions when, after having lured him once again from his home for a lakeside tryst, she pleads with him to live with her in the city.

Anses (O'Brien) is tempted but reluctant, so the city girl suggests he murder his wife, Indre (Gaynor) and make it look like an accident. Anses agonizes over the decision all night, deciding by morning to carry out the grim deed. He offers to take his wife for a boatride, and though she seems weary of his demeanor, she agrees in the hopes that he's trying to salvage their relationship.

Once out far enough on the water, however, she realizes his intentions as he lunges at her. He gets close enough to strangle her, then sees by the fear he's inspired what a monster he's become. Once back on land, Indres flees back into town with Anses close behind, pleading for her forgiveness. It isn't until they find themselves crashing a wedding in progress that she finally forgives him, and everything afterward becomes honky-dory. They hit he town, enjoy a fair, then take a boat ride home.

During the ride home, a storm hits, and Indres is thrown from the boat. Anses believes her dead, and when he hears the familar whistle of the city girl he once thought he loved, he goes crazy and tries to strangle her. Thankfully he's informed his wife is still alive and runs to her, and the two live happily ever-after.

The scripting was presented on screen very creatively (like the letters 'drown her' waving across the screen into the water), the music had an ominous tone, and the movie itself is impressionistic--something Murnau was a master at in his movies. Having the 'villian' whistle a mysterious tune (though you can't hear it in this movie) is something he would employ in M just a few years later. The characters used facial expressions well, and I was surprised to see that even hairdressers in the 1920's were effeminate.

I could have done without the second half, however. I understand how well the movie came together by the end, especially showing Indres floating on the very reeds Anses had tied together to use himself when he killed her. I just didn't like the super-happy second half and ending.

Despite the second half, though, I loved the movie for Murnau's talent for setting a disturbing mood.

Rating: 4/5 Bonedaddies.

Shake, Clown, Shake!

Shakes the Clown (1991)
Director- Bob Goldthwait
Starring- Bob Goldthwait, Julie Brown, Tom Kenny

What, no "Bobcat"? And who expected to see a pre-Spongebob, pre-Rocco's Modern Life, pre-just about everything that's made him currently famous Tom Kenny?

Anyway, Shakes is a birthday clown, which in Palukaville, USA apparently means celebrity status. He hangs out at a clown-filled bar, sucking back whiskey and not-meaning-to mistreat his girlfriend, Judy (Brown). Although being the life of every child's party (and he's apparently great at his job!), he struggles with his career. His dream is to get on a local kids show, replacing a retired clown, but he loses out to Binky (Kenny), a not-very-funny clown with a sinister temper and a lack of ethics. Shakes also has a nasty drinking habit, which leads him into more trouble when he's framed for murdering his boss.

One thing that made this movie great was an unwillingness to explain things like why clowns are celebrities in this movie, why exclusive cliques, like rodeo clowns and mimes are sworn enemies of them and eachother, why they keep their makeup on even while at the bar, etc.

The humor is good, dialogue is about what you'd expect from this. I remember thinking after the Police Academy movies and Scrooged that Bob Goldthwait just sounded like that or had some speech thing--I wish I had seen this when it was new, I would have known better sooner.

Some cameos include Kathy Griffin, Adam Sandler, and Robin Williams, and Florence Henderson as a slutty, drinky mom!

Overall, the movie was surprisingly funny and I loved seeing the rivalry between mimes, clowns and rodeo clowns.

Rating: 4/5 Bonedaddies.

An Adult Superman Cartoon?

Superman: Doomsday (2007)

Directors- Lauren Montgomery, Bruce Timm, Brandon Vietti

Starring- Adam Baldwin, Anne Hesche, James Martsters

This was a severely condensed and revised version of the Death of Superman story arc from DC Comics. It starts out on a fairly familar note, detailing Doomsday's birthing from the bowels of his earth prison. It moves on quickly to his collosal battle with Superman that left both of them dead. In the aftermath, Superman appears to have reemerged, but with a sinister edge. People realize something is seriously wrong when Supes actually resorts to killing in the name of justice.

I was terribly conflicted while watching this. When I realized there was actual violence and bad language, I was hooked, couldn't take my eyes off it. But then, I started seeing the changes. The final punch that killed them both was changed. There was no Justice League coming in to pay their respects. I hoped to see 4 different Supermen like in the comics, but no, it was a stupid Luthor clone, and instead of being revived by Metallo (?), he was revived by a helper robot.

I really do love a cartoon that can go into that dark place (Bruce TImm needs to do a Batman cartoon like this), but I just can't reconcile the complete revision of the storyline.

Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Let's Do the Hustle!

The Hustler (1961)

Director- Robert Rossen

Starring- Paul Newman, Jackie Gleason, Piper Laurie

Pool hustler Fast Eddie Felson gets the game of a lifetime when he challenges Minnesota Fats to a game. Unfortunately things don't turn out the way he'd have liked. I read a review from someone else about this movie that related this as a metaphor. Fats was considered the "establishment", and Felson was a rebel trying to buck the establishment. In the end the establishment won out, making for not the happiest of movies, but oh well. Whether or not that relation is true, I can see where the reviewer was coming from. The acting was great, and you've never seen a cooler Jackie Gleason.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Ahh, a Real Vintage Bad-Girls Flick!

So Young, So Bad (1950)

Director- Bernard Vorhaus

Starring- Catherine McCloud, Anne Jackson, Rita Moreno

A nurse and a psychiatrist try to help a bunch of reform school girls that are being abused and neglected by their head master & mistress. At first I thought, 'Yay! a women in prison movie!', but soon found that there was a lot more going on. Certain scenes (like when the head mistress pursued the bunny or the firehose scene) seemed pretty ballsy for 1950 and made me think this was actually a cult movie, as opposed to something mainstream. The acting is ordinary, but the subject matter is great.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

I Rule the Ghoul School! Not.

Ghoul School (1990)

Director- Timothy O'Rawe

Starring- William Friedman, Scott Gordon, Paul Venier

A couple small-time crooks try to get money hidden in the basement of a school one of them once attended. They find a hidden room, push a button on the wall, and somehow release toxic gas that turns people into flesh-eating zombie-type monsters. It sounds like a Troma film, and in fact has been compared to movies like Nuke 'em High. The difference is a smaller gore budget, and less acting abilities. The movie is a good indicator of where the youth of this were were in terms of late 1980's fashion, but otherwise is almost a total loss. The band that gets hired to play for the school is rehearsing in the auditorium at one point, and the music is so off-sync that the guitarist front man (the ONLY guitarist, mind you) sets his guitar down while we still hear a solo playing!

Everyone seems to get killed in the end.

Rating: Despite a good ending, it still only gets 1/5 Bonedaddies.

Offensive? Not As Much As I Thought...

Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (1999)

Director- William Hellfire, Joey Smack

Starring- William Hellfire, Joey Smack, Misty Mundae

This movie is a spoof of the Columbine High Massacre that occured just a year before--actually, it's more a spoof of high school massacres in general, with a slight focus on Columbine. We are introduced to shallow stereotypes in an average high school--the over-masculine jocks who make fun of the meek, the popular (possibly slutty) girl who looks down her nose at unpopulars, the over-religious girl pushing her beliefs down your throat, the muscle car greasemonkey that doesn't want you to touch his piece of shit car, the white-hating black guy, the overly-sympathetic-to-those-who-are-"different" goths, and the two neo-nazi main characters, cloaked in trench coats and interested in things like guns and Hitler.

I didn't care for the portrayal of the goths as "understanding". Frankly, I myself got into goth culture when I was younger, and I took some things into adulthood with me--thinking I was unique or different becuase I wore a black trenchcoat was NOT one of them.

Acting was bad, but not horrendous. Special effects were low-budget, but actually pretty creatively maneuvered--especially when the gun violence begins.

I did like how the movie spoofs the influence of music, also how it plays with the concepts that the parents do have something to do with how the kids turn out--though by teenage years, that parental influence has obviously become limited.

All in all it wasn't quite as offensive as I thought it would be--then again, I viewed it a full ten years after the massacre, so maybe that factors in significantly. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to see Misty Mundae in an earlier role. I've seen her in quite a few low-budget indies--she's a great actress who's never afraid of a nude scene--her role in Sinful was disturbing and awesome.

Rating: I give this one a generous 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Monster...Out!

Monster in the Closet (1987)
Director- Bob Dahlin
Starring- Donald Grant, Denise DuBarry, Paul Walker

A rash of murders taking place in closets has people terrified to look for their own clothes. An obituary writer who wants to get his big break investigates and discovers that a monster is to blame. I cut this movie slack because it's meant to be funny, and most of the time, it is. The monster is actually kind of cool-looking, and I was surprised to find a pre-megadouchebag Paul Walker (remember Fast and Furious?) playing 12-ish year old, oddly named Professor Bennet (that's right his mom named him Professor), boy genius and contributor to the monster's eventual demise.
The movie hits its apex of absurdity when the monster has Richard, Professor and his mom cornered in their attic. As the monster looms over them, Richard's glasses are knocked off, and his handsomocity, which makes Professor's mom turn into a mesmerized idiot, has a paralyzing effect on the monster. The monster then picks him up and carries him off to a closet, which we have by now found out it uses to rejuvenate itself. Unfortunately, they won't both fit, so the monster carries Richard out into the street, where it dies.
The line is then quoted by one of the crowd, "'twas beauty killed the beast."
Rating: That line alone helps to earn this one 4/5 Bonedaddies.

Frankenstein? Not Quite...

Frankenstein Meets th Space Monster (1965)
Director- Robert Gaffney
Starring- Marilyn Hanold, Robert Reilly, James Karen

Martian Princess Marcuzan needs to repopulate her people after atomic warfare destroys Mars' culture (where were we when this happened?!), so she turns to earth. She apparently didn't count on the U.S.-built cyborg named Frank to intervene, though he normally would be utilized for space exploration.
There is oddly enough no Frankenstein, Frankenstein's monster, or Al Franken in this Puerto Rican sci fi flick. I'm frankensteinly surprised there was a space monster to speak of. It's from Mars, and they can't really control it. It'd be like if Earth had a giant Tyrannosaurus rex to fight for us--it's great to have until it has to go back in its pet carrier.
Okay effort, annoyed at the abrupt Frankending.
Rating: 3/5 Bonedaddies.

Not the Better Half

The Dark Half (1993)
Director- George Romero
Starring- Timothy Hutton, Amy Madigan, Michael Rooker

A writer struggling with a fictional alter-ego decides to symbolically kill him off, only to have him come alive and kill people as described in the writer's novels. The alter-ego is a gritty smooth-talking maniac with a pomp hairdo and cowboy boots.
I actually kind of liked the guy--he always knew what to say, and was nonchaant & personable. I wanted to like the movie, since Romero directed, but it's a collaboration with Stephen King writing, and I typically don't get along well with Stephen King movies. The acting is typical of 1990's made-for-tv movies-slight tendencies to overact, some dated styles.
I thought the concept that as one got better, the other got worse was an interesting on, but even that was hard to keep paying attention to.
Rating: 2.5/5 Bonedaddies

Hard To Follow, but Creey Just the Same

Vampyr (1932)

Director- Carl Theodore Dryer

Starring- Julian West, Maurice Schutz, Rena Mandel

A young occult academic happens upon a manor. Attempts to stay the night bring nightmares of spectral occurrences and horrific type goings-on, like shadows that take on a life of their own. He soon finds out a vampire is on the loose and taking victims in the area.

This movie looks like what someone might be dreaming after having watched Dracula or Nosferatu. The plot takes elements from both, but then adds a more ghostly element to it, as well as the feeling of being in a constant dreamlike state of observation.

Though there is sound, subtitles are used here and there to explain things. The acting ain't half bad--more modern-feeling than other movies of its time, for the most part less theatrical.

Some scenes just seem creepy, like a scene in which a vamp victim is sitting up in bed and just staring along the ceiling, slowly gazing around for about 20 seconds.

The only downside is that the plot is often times as cloudy as the atmosphere in the movie.

Rating: 3.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Karloff & Lugosi in a Non-Monster Movie!

The Body Snatcher (1945)
Director- Robert Wise
Starring- Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Henry Daniell


A med student begrudgingly assists a medical professor acquire bodies from a graverobber for medical study. It's revealed pretty early on that Prof. "Toddy" (Daniell) and graverobber John Gray (Karloff), who drives a buggy during the day, were once colleagues. In fact, Gray admits that it was he who taught Toddy everything he knows, and had what Toddy had before the two were found out Gray took the fall.

Lugosi played the somewhat bit part of Toddy's servant, who finds out what Gray is up to and attempts to extort him. I was surprised to see both Karloff AND Lugosi in a movie together, and there were NO monsters!

There was great acting all around, and I was convinced of the conflicted consciences in many of the characters. I loved the cynicism Karloff brought to his role. His character knew how "evil" his profession was, and accepted it, chastizing Toddy for trying to make himself out to be better that he really was. On the other hand, this was for the purpose of medical progress. DaVinci did it. And it's dead bodies, come on! They don't care. They've shed their fleshly vessels, blah blah blah.

Rating: Another 5/5 Bonedaddies for being AWESOME.

Not My Kind of Vacation Spot

Isle of the Dead (1945)
Director- Mark Robson
Starring- Borlis Karloff, Ellen Drew, Marc Cramer


Balkan War, 1912. General Pherides (Karloff), agrees to show Oliver (Cramer), a colleague, his wife's grave that happens to be located near their current battlefield. Finding the grave disturbed, the general demands to know whow's responsible. He finds out from a local woman that the townspeople did it out of a superstitious fear of vorvolaka (vampire) attacks, a fear spawned by the plague killing off large portions of the island. Initially highly skeptical of the vorvolaka story, the general gets himself sucked into the superstition, and becomes highly suspicious of a caretaker of an older woman. The older woman has a fainting disease which resembles death, accompanied by a then-logical fear of premature burial. She of course tells no one but a french doctor who soon falls victim to the plague.

Predictably the woman faints, everyone thinks she's dead, she wakes up in a coffin, goes nuts and takes a knife to the superstitious women who got Pherides worked, then Pherides himself.

This movie was great on so many levels. I'll try to cover them quickly.
First, Karloff as a hardened general (who sends on of his own friends off to be executed for negligence!), excellent casting there. Second, the whole science v. superstition debate is alive and well in this movie, and in the end, septicemic plague wins the blame. It was a little depressing, however, to see the archaeologist character opting for prayer to Hermes over medical observation to deal with the plague.

Rating: This movie gets a solid 5/5 Bonedaddies for playing out like a horror flick and the monster turning out to be disease and human reactions to it.

Walkin' Hard, or Hardly Walkin'?

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

Director- Jake Kasdan

Starring- John C. Reilly, Tim Meadows, Jenna Fischer

This Biopic spoof takes a look at the life of Dewey Cox (Reilly), a man who lives in the monstrous shadow of his older brother whom he had accidentally killed in boyhood by slicing him in half with a machete. As pennance, Cox realized he must become "double-great" to redeem himself. His father, throughout the movie finds every opportunity to mutter "the wrong son died!" and doesn't forgive him until he accidentally cuts himself in half.

In the meantime, Dewey Cox realizes he has a gift for music that people respond to. Despite his wife's disapproval, he pursues his musical career and becomes one of the biggest, and in some cases most infamous name in music. Along with the fame, however, comes all the weirdness and dark spots: monkey-owning, drug-taking, sex-with-strangers-having, wife-cheating, etc. He also meets the love of his life in Darlene Madison (Fischer), and gets married to her, "forgetting" about his first marriage. After getting hooked on LSD, Cox attempts to write his "opus", and practically invites members of every culture in to help, create a giant saturated mess of a song that no one knows the meaning of. It gets so out of hand, that his own band members--who were not given parts to play in this mega-song, quit the band.

Cox loses the love of his life, quits music, makes peace with his dad, and reconnects with his many sons and daughters. Life becomes peaceful for him, and when Darlene walks back into his life it's almost complete. Soon after, he is beckoned back onto the stage after being gone 25 years by his legions of fans, old and new. He writes one last great song called "Beautiful Ride", an equal to his first great "Walk Hard", and according to a postscript dies three minutes after performing it with his old band on stage.

This movie was funny on a lot of levels, though it tried too hard a couple times. The Cox jokes and the sexually suggestive duet between him and Darlene are juvenile but clever nonetheless, and hey- I still laughed. Every time he comes into contact with a music legend, he makes sure to say their full name, just in case we don't recognize them, I guess. It got old, but how else would we have known Frankie Munez was playing Buddy Holly (I did appreciate the humor in that one, though--especially contrasted with John C. Reilly playing a 14 version of Dewey and looking like a full grown adult) Jack White as Elvis was pretty awesome, too.

The music was well-written, probably with help from SNL cast members, and there was even a touch here and there of sadness. "(Have You Heard the News) Dewey Cox Died" was actually kind of haunting.

Rating: 4/5 Bonedaddies.

The Last Horror Movie (2003)

The Last Horror Movie

Director- Julian Richards

Starring- Kevin Howarth, Mark Stevenson

Warning: Some spoilers.

A serial killer, Max, who works as a wedding videographer by day decides to make a little documentary of his "work". He records it onto a tape from a local video rental and stalks who ever rents it.

The part about the rental is a little bit of a surprise, so I apologize for spilling the beans, but it made sense to add it into the description. Although it's a decent plot device, it feels like it was put in as an afterthought, and to me raises questions of behavioral patterns that would help get the guy caught.

Other than that, the movie was surprisingly excellent. I had my doubts during the intro until I realized it was actually the movie he taped over. Once Max introduces himself, the movie takes a much better road from there. His little soliloquies run on at length and get boring, but it's interesting to see the rising conflict between him the camera man, who seems at first to be a fan but becomes uneasy about killing after having actually seen it.

The disturbing part comes when you see Max disposing of his bodies by cooking them and serving it up to his friends (who obviously have no idea what he does to people). The acting is beyond great, and not because of overemotional interactions or action sequences. The killing scenes become completely human--nothing is overdone, the pain in the victims' faces looks like any documentary or Faces of Death film I've ever seen and at times actually left me speechless due to its realism.

Good concept for a film, maybe not the most original, and even though boring and speechy at times, impresses the feeling of paranoia well and is acted superiorally.

Rating: 4.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Terror Firmer (1999)

Terror Firmer

Director- Lloyd Kaufman

Starring- Will Keenan, Alyce LaTourelle, Lloyd Kaufman

As a female serial killer stalks the city, a notorious low-budget Troma film director tries to shoot a Toxic Avenger sequel with a cast of odd characters. If that's not bad enougn, he's blind as a bat.

I would have a lower opinion of this movie if I had watched it without knowing that it was a Troma film and that it was actually based on a book written in tribute to previous Troma films. That being said, it did rely a little too heavily on trying to shock than on simply being creative with the effects they could create. However, despite the fact that this film was edited digitally, it seemed to use a lot of old-school special effects, which was a smart move. A proper homage to Troma films shouldn't be made with CGI.

The Seinfeldian scene in the cafe in which Casey and Jennifer joke with eachother about pickles is completely unfunny and loses this film an entire Bonedaddy.

All in all, it was an honest effort, not quite as good as it could have been, but giving Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead a cameo and a Public Service Anouncement about hermaphrodite awareness doesn't hurt.

Rating: 2.5/5 Bonedaddies.

Crippled Creek (2005)

Crippled Creek
Director- Hans Hartman
Starring- Ashley Totin, Jennifer Jules Hart, Evy Lutsky

Three best friends take off on a camping trip to a family cabin deep in Connecticut woods. They are warned by a forest ranger of a hermit living in the area, and early on run into to two guys--I'll call them Dumbass 1 and Dumbass 2. The guys act like obnoxious college guys and practically fumble over eachother trying to get the girls. Eventually, they come into brief contact with the hermit, ignore his warning to leave, and two of their group turn up missing. After some searching, some fighting amongst eachother, and more searching, Dumbass 2 reveals himself to be an overbearing jackass in times of stress before getting his lights put out by one of the girls.

They find the missing couple, strung up and dead. Panic ensues, Dumbass 2 screams to the woods for a confrontation. His request is granted, and when the hermit is done with him, he proceeds to take out another of the girls. As he finds the third girl, the hermit is confronted by the forest ranger and challenged for possession of her. The girl gets the upper-hand, and the movie ends on a pretty supernatural note.

I could forgive the shitty music being played throughout. I could forgive the interactions between the girls and guys resembling porn intros but not following through. I can forgive the supernatural ending despite the fact that this story is supposedly based on a real event. I can even acknowledge the honest effort put into some of the scenes. What I can NOT forgive is that this movie ran for an hour and a half, and other than a quick little kill in the beginning, there is no killing or violence until about 57 minutes in. 57 minutes out of an hour and a half! No killing! Before that, we're treated to inconsequential hermit POV's every now and then and some nudity.

Rating: This crippled effort gets 1/5 Bonedaddies.

Panic in the Year Zero! (1962)

Panic in the Year Zero!
Director- Ray Milland
Starring- Ray Milland, Jean Hagen, Frankie Avalon


A family leaving for a vacation is just outside of town when they noticed an odd mushroom cloud in Los Angeles. Stopping at a payphone, they realize they can't get a hold of anyone in town, and soon discover it had been hit by a hydrogen bomb. Survival instincts fight with the need to stay civilized as the extraordinarily level-headed father, Harry, navigates his family through a changed landscape, one in which simple teen punks become highway robbers, townsfolk bar outsides just to maintain a little safety, and a national park becomes a temporary safe haven until the military can get the fighting under control.

I think this movie is fairly accurate in its portrayal of human nature. In times of panic and emergency, many are looking out for themselves or their own loved ones--not really a bad thing, mind you--but while fleeing become reckless and cause danger to others. On the other hand, the mother, Ann, seems too over-sentimental in her need to maintain civilization that it almost costs them Harry's life when they are confronted by the teen highway punks.

Other characteristics of times of panic include price-gouging and xenophobia--anyone can be an enemy, and even those considered not a threat should still be charged $90 for 30 gallons of gas (think 1962 prices).

It's a good foreshadow when the punks are let go, as they pop up again later on and wreak a little havoc of a more personal nature. Toward the end, Harry is really feeling the weight of responsibility for having put his family into this situation. He's seen people reacting selfishly, violating the rights of others, even outright killing (somewhat grisly scenes for 1962 movies).

After Harry's son (Frankie Avalon in a surprisingly good role) is wounded by one of the teen punks, Harry realizes he must get his family out of the park and into a town over 100 miles away that set up an emergency post for displaced people to come to. Along the way, they find a doctor who is able to stablize the son temporarily until they can get him to the town. Before leaving, Harry informs the doctor that the "war" is over and we won, to which the doctor gives a sarcastic retort, symbolizing a growing cynical attitude toward nuclear warfare.

I've noticed a lot of horror/sci fi movies made in the 1950-60's are always accompanied by a soundtrack that's something like freeform jazz. It makes me wonder if Les Baxter was to them what Danny Elfman is to Tim Burton films...

I was overall impressed by the writing of this movie and how the plot just moves right along without any boring snags. I also liked that it was willing to go a little farther to show the brutality caused by civilization's fear of becoming uncivilized. Kind of ironic.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 Bonedaddies

Welcome to What Am I Watching? I had previously done movie reviews on one of my other blogs, but have decided continue reviewing movies on this one exclusively. Enjoy! Or don't.